WTF, GOD!

God, it's me again. Your son, Stevie. You know, the son who YOU ALLOWED TO COMPLETELY FUCK UP LAST WEEK IN OVERTIME AGAINST THE STEELERS. All of the things I do for you and you smite me on this one? I praise you until it hurts my knees and you do me like that? I FUCKING WEAR A CROSS AROUND MY NECK, GOD!

My son...please, calm down. I know you had a rough weekend, you know...relative to your usual weekends, which are kind of awesome compared to those of most people. You know, I was just down in Haiti last week and....



 

Awwww, God, what the fuck, man! MY FUCKING CHECK ENGINE LIGHT JUST WENT ON! God, I just got this Benzo and you know how much I be prayin' to keep the inner-workings of the car all in order! Man, I gotta take this thing into the shop now and I've gotta go out to the club tonight so this is gonna be quite the hassle...how could you do me like that, God?



Stevie...now you are being ridiculous. I don't really deal with the check engine lights on German cars.





 

Come on, God...you know you can take care of that. You created America in like, 7 days, man!




 

Uhhh...Stevie...I did not create America, I just created...






 

Come on, God, don't be modest. We all know you built that shit. OH WHAT THE FUCK, GOD! I just missed this light and there's a homeless dude here. Why you keep doing me like this?

Sir, do you mind sparing some change?



 

Come on, man, can't you see I'm in a time of need myself here? Did you not watch the game this past weekend?




 

Sir, I just want some spare change if you have it...




 

STEVIE! Clearly, this man has it much worse than you! Your behavior, honestly, is quite appalling. You really need to be brought down a level. 





 

Well why don't you help him out then, God? Huh? If you ain't gonna help me, you might as well help this dude. Can't spare some of your change? I don't think he dropped any game-winning TDs on television last week, did he?





 

Why do I even bother...

Ok, time to get back in and....ahhh, fuck it

DROPPIN BACK....you got this Vince...you got this....

*throws ball and takes hit*

OUCH! God damn it! Coach! Coach, I'm hurt!

Ok...Vince, go see the trainers. Who's our backup?

...Rusty Smith? Rusty fucking Smith? Are you kidding me, Heimerdinger? Fuck...whatever.

Yo Kerry...I think I got this.

 You should go tell coach, Vince.




Yeah...I'm alright. Just fuck it, you know?




Uhhhh...no? I actually don't know. What do you mean?



I mean fuck it. He'll know. I'm Vince fucking Young...I'm a winner. Remember?

*starts daydream sequence*

*VY beings announcing dream-action*

Vince Young...takes the snap....they love him here at Texas...he drops back, looks at Sweed...Sweed isn't open...the fans are going crazy....these fans fucking love Vince Young....he sees an opening and takes it....VINCE IS RUNNING TOWARD THE ENDZONE! THEY AREN'T GOING TO GET HIM! VINCE SCORES AGAIN! THE CROWD IS GOING ABSOLUTELY WILD!







Vince! VINCE! Snap out of it, man!




Oh my God, they love Vince Young here at Texas! Every single person here wants to suck his dick! The fans are lining up in front of Vince Young's dick! THIS IS INCREDIBLE! HOOK 'EM HORNS!!!




God damn it...

COACH!



Kerry, I'm not putting you in. You're hurt.


Nah coach, it's Vince. He's doing dream sequence again.


God damn it...you couldn't stop him? Did he say he's ready to get back out there?



 

 I asked, and he said he was but then he just said "fuck it".
 

What do you mean, "fuck it"?


 He meant fuck it, coach! He just wants to fuck it.



Jeez. He always wants to fuck it. Tell him to talk to me.

Vince...coach wants you to go talk to him if you are ready to get back in the game.


VINCE IS BLOWING PRODIGIOUS LOADS OUT THERE! THERE'S SO MUCH JIZZ! THAT'S WHAT FOLLOWS THE "PRE-CUM EXPRESS"!

*Squirts water bottle at Vince*


Vinny! Wake up, man! Go talk to coach if you can play.


Kerry, excuse my tone here, but what the fuck do you not understand about "fuck it"?


Uhhhh....pretty much the entire premise, I guess? Hey...what the fuck are you doing, man?

Fuck this jersey. If the fans want to boo me, they can play QB.

*Takes off jersey and shoulderpads and throws throws into stands*

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



Whatever. I don't care. Fuck it. The fans at Texas wouldn't have booed me like this.



 
Vince....that was like, 20 years ago, man!








 

Yeah, maybe for you.

Fuck it. I'm a go get some 'Trony-'Tron!

 

Uhhhh....ok.

Coach!



 

I should just quit now.

STOP IT

Stop it. Please. Just FUCKING STOP IT.

Over the last week or so, I noticed a strange phenomena on the Facebooks. People taking this 12-year-old boy looking chick from Harry Potter or whatever pictured above and saying how unbelievably pretty and beautiful she is.

Give me a damn break, people!

Women have terrible tastes in women, and you can find that out by talking to just about any lesbian. I have a lesbian friend who was telling me all about how hot these chicks that she was...I don't know, scissoring....were. And she sent pics. And I remained so flaccid and soft that I could have fucked a keyhole and actually unlocked the door. She'd probably LOVE this Sinead O'Conner rip-off above. Me, on the other hand? I don't like my women to look like crayons.

It's all the same excuses, too. "Pretty is different than hot". True. Point taken. But she ain't pretty. She's plain. She could be Weird Al's wife in Amish Paradise if she'd take off that stupid dress and put on some damn overalls. "It's a classic, exquisite beauty that you just don't see anymore"...well, that's because women don't look like dudes anymore. Seriously...take a look at, say, Martin Van Buren's wife. She looked kinda like a dude. I'll bet Chester Alan Arthur's did, too. Jeez. I wouldn't be able to fuck anyone in 1837. No wonder Thomas Jefferson went black. And come on now....just about anything is going to look elegant in today's fashionable climate. Wrap her up in a meat dress and then we'll talk.

But keep on hyping up these chicks that look like a mix between little boys and radishes, chicks. Maybe some dudes will want to do them and they'll leave the actual good looking ones for me. Guh. Someone take this little guy to baseball practice.

Politicooooo

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Change of Scenery

Needed a change.

But I'm gonna try this again. I completely lost the will to blog before. It's hard motherf-in' work! You have to come up with an idea, log-on to Blogger, actually write it, fight through the early onset Carpal-Tunnel symptoms, somehow look like you are working because, I mean...they pay you here so you have to look like you're working because you don't want to get fired and if you did get fired you'd theoretically have more time to blog but who the fuck would sit at home and blog when they have better things to do and....and you get the picture.

That and I read some articles during the recent elections and I was motivated to maybe actually post something and so I figure I'll give it another shot. I couldn't put it on the old site because it's been months. And the name was really cumbersome. So I've condensed it.

And who is Vern? My name isn't Vern. Or Jeff. Whatever.

I give this two weeks.